Let’s start over. Let’s start from the very beginning because that’s the way this all feels.
I woke up on the first of this brand new year – 2015 – and for the first time truly felt like it was the beginning of something new. I had pressed some sort of reset button in the middle of the night surrounded by drag queens, friends, and drunk strangers. As I downed whiskey sours – something changed. I can’t pinpoint where the moment was. I can’t say it happened exactly at midnight with my plastic cup of champagne in the air as a drag queen proposed a toast “May your feathers never be out of place….” I forget the rest. Perhaps it was when a familiar face chased me down the cold Milwaukee street to say his own version of goodnight, but I refused to give him the chance to press his lips against mine. Perhaps its because of just that – I have yet to kiss a single soul this year. I’ve always began each year (since high school) with a kiss – someone’s kiss. And that kiss has been for me the indication of my year.
I have yet to be kissed. This year is a blank slate. And I woke up on the first to be barista for the hungover as I smiled like a dope in my still drunk state.
Forget everything you’ve read about me here – if you’ve read anything at all – because so much has changed.
I lost my way last year. I lost everything I thought I understood, I fell apart. I picked up cigarettes, I slept with someone with a girlfriend, slept with someone else too fast, tried to forget feelings and only think about my body but by doing so I lost the importance of my own body. I lost a friend – I was a “waste of time and energy”. Frankly, I wasted my own time and energy.
Now suddenly I’m immersed in work in the field I’ve always hoped to be involved in. I’m immersed in acting opportunities. I’m immersed in groups of wonderfully beautiful, talented, and kind people. I’m learning from other ambitious artists and building connections to a better future. I’m writing letters to a man in London. We’ve never been on a date, we’ve only been passing ships in different workplaces. But I’m writing to this man who has long looked at me in a way most men don’t. He reached out, he continues to reach out, and from across an ocean treats me with better intention then most men I’ve encountered.
This may be silly, this may be foolish, but he makes me believe anything is possible. He makes me think I can do anything. He makes me hopeful again. He makes me believe there are kind, generous people out there and that dreams are worth my time. That love is worth my time.
He will never read this. I’m sure it would overwhelm everything we have going.
We have 3 months (about) until he’s back in the area briefly – until we can truly have our first date. Yet I already feel closer and more confident in my relationship with him than I’ve felt with someone in a long time. I’m forced to talk, to listen, to not rush to touch his face or feel his body against mine. I’m forced to actually consider my own feelings for diving headfirst into a man’s life.
Perhaps I sound crazy. Perhaps this is too intense. But I strongly believe things fell apart the way they did in order to make room for someone like him…..to make room for him. He may not be the end all be all, but he’s something. He’s someone important. I just can’t pinpoint his importance quite yet.
3 months until my first kiss of 2015.