I’ve experienced plenty of rejection in my life. As an actor, it is my job to be rejected, to get a “thick skin” and pull myself up when I fall down. I’ve gotten pretty good at this aspect of my career, but regardless any rejection outside of my career feels like a crushing blow to my self-confidence.
It’s taken me years and years to get me where I am today. And those years were spent with men who slowly, but surely taught me to appreciate myself. I learned to love myself through them. Perhaps that’s screwed up, but I wouldn’t be half of who I am without them. However, this does mean that I still have the challenge of accepting myself when no one else will. Of loving myself even after a man rejects me, turns me down.
I have come to realize I will do almost anything to feel wanted. I will do anything to feel wanted. This is a major player in my life right now – this sense of only wanting to be wanted and not caring about the path I take to get there. This is self-destructive. I have been self-destructive for years even while convincing myself being wanted by a certain guy was all that mattered, that he would be the thing that completed my life.
I am beginning to realize how fucked up that is. You may think me weak, you may find me desperate, but here I am boldly putting it out there into the world. I admit these faults and I will work on them. I have been extremely unhealthy and unkind to my own body. I have not treated myself with the right respect and thus men have seen no reason to respect me. Those who did were the greatest things that ever happened to me. I could’ve fallen into a much darker existence without the men who did see my worth before I was even capable of looking into a mirror and smiling.
I need to say it somewhere: I am a mess right now. I truly believe I have hit the lowest point of my life. Everything I thought I knew has come crumbling down around me – I have been living on false hopes and false ideals. Ideals I learned from the plethora of romantic movies I watched thinking “true love” was the only point to living and that a woman could only be defined by the love she had.
I have never loved myself. I am learning to, but I have never fully loved who I am. I have never fully believed in my own capabilities, I have never seen my life unfolding with just me as the main character. I have always relied upon someone else.
And now I know it is time to change that. I also know this is going to be one hell of a year. A rollercoaster. Because I’ve already been all over the place. It’s going to take a lot of time and energy to learn to start treating myself better. To start viewing myself as more valuable.
I think I’ve made progress without fully realizing what I was doing lately. But with two shots of whiskey tonight I’ve taken some serious steps back. With one rejection I’m curled up in the bath tub bawling. I’m still mourning over everything I’ve lost in the past year. Over everything I thought I knew and everything that has turned out completely different.
I know more than anything I need a change of pace. I need to keep writing. And I need to stop focusing on the things I cannot fix and the people who cannot help me feel better. I am in a very precarious state. I am in a life-changing position. I could fly or I could fail. And I refuse to fail.
I apologize to all those people who are going to come across me at this stage in life and see a mess, see a desperate woman, see someone pathetic. I don’t want to be remembered that way, but then again who is to say they’ll remember me at all? And if they do, somewhere down the line isn’t it possible they’ll see the real me?
I suppose the first thing I should try to change is to stop apologizing. This life is a constant adventure and we are all at different stages in our life, we all come across strangers during the worst times of our lives and if they matter they’ll get past the walls, the fear, the facade, the insanity. Half of the people in my life today won’t matter a year from now.
And the majority of people I’m surrounded with are the kindest souls in the world. They are wonderful, beautiful, talented, open-minded people who have never once breathed a terrible comment about me – who do nothing but reassure the person I am. I can never thank them enough for being my support when I can’t seem to hold myself up. I can never show the gratitude I will have for every single one of them as they deal with perhaps the worst version of myself.
I will never forget this feeling. I hope one day I look back and write a chapter about these years discussing how truly formative they were for me and how truly helpful all this silly reflection was. There is something good coming, its right around the corner, if I only have the courage to keep walking and take a peek.
I am not defined by who I am with, but rather I am defined by how I love and treat myself – for that treatment will reflect through my entire life.