I loved you with every inch of my frame

and I would not be who I am at this moment

without having met you.

I know I should revel in the fact I had the honor

to spend a few nights beside you,

a few days hand in hand with you,

but tonight I revel in the tears rolling down my flushed cheeks

as I remember the grandeur of what you had me feeling.

You were everything I needed

and never knew I wanted….

you were the unexpected man who taught me what I want,

what I

I want.

You taught me, who ‘me’ could actually be

and there was, early on, this love in your eyes.

I find it hard to believe you’ve lost that love,

I choose to believe you love being on your own that much more,

you’re not as open as you thought to the love a girl like me can offer.

I love you.

I will always love you.

This is, perhaps, the worst thing I have ever written – but it had to be written.

Here’s to getting it all out.

So maybe some day I can feel like myself again.

I can be me.

I can be the loving girl for someone else, someone better…..

of course right now – the only someone I wish I had is you.

I want to tell you I miss you.

I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with you – honestly.

I wanted you – I still do.

And I’m terrified you’re going to abandon me. To disappear.

Please don’t.

“If you learn from a loss you have not lost.” –Austin O’Malley

I’ve been dealing with breakups since I was 17 years old. Lately these breakups have become more and more heart-wrenching. Not because the breakup is dramatic, because he cheated or lied or decided to be a manwhore for the summer. Rather they become more difficult because there’s no good reason besides “This just isn’t working out.”. “My feelings just aren’t the same”. “This isn’t what I want right now.” Those reasons have become even more unbearable and have perhaps damaged me more than the breakups of my past.

This recent breakup has come during a time when the rest of my life is completely uncertain. I’m lost at sea in my career, my life goals, where I’m living come fall, and now my love life. I held on to this relationship perhaps longer than I should’ve merely because it was seemingly ‘certain’. It was something I thought was stable, something I could rely on.

Turns out – right now is not a time for stability.

But I do think I learned more from this relationship than I have any relationship before. And perhaps understanding those things I’ve learned will help me feel like I haven’t lost out, like it’s not that I’m not good enough but rather that I needed to learn something and now that I have its time to move on.

This guy challenged me. He pushed me in my rock climbing and in the way I handle relationships.

He taught me the importance of maintaining your independence in a relationship and for awhile I was comfortable with not hearing from him constantly, not seeing him every day.

He opened my eyes and mind up to new foods. For him I tried new things I never would’ve in the past. I realized that I’m much more open to change now – to new experiences – to reconfiguring my eating habits.

I’ve never been healthier than I am today – than I am after spending merely a few months with this guy.

I also have come to the realization that I need to drink less. I’m happier without alcohol in my bloodstream.

And most importantly he got me living in the moment. He lives so fully in the moments of his life – it amazes me. With him I put my phone away, I laughed and loved and didn’t need to photograph every single second. I stopped checking my phone every 20 minutes while at work. I learned to experience things with my own senses rather than through a technological lens.

I want to maintain these things he taught me because he showed me, without meaning to, the best version of myself. The outdoorsy, adventurous, healthy, confident version of myself I’ve been looking for.

I will keep rock climbing, go on adventures, eat healthy, sleep when I need sleep, and not worry so much about what other people think. He brought about an authenticity in my life……….I’m not exactly sure what I mean by that….but he made everything seem more ‘real’.

I anticipated the fall apart,

I founds tears in the corner of my eyes days in advance

and yet as they sat hot on my cheeks last night

I still felt my chest rip open, I still felt the disconnect of all my thoughts.

The reality is – we had reached our expiration date weeks ago,

we both felt it as we held hands and cried in each other’s arms

swearing “we won’t give up, we won’t just throw our hands up”.

Here we are,

hands in the air,

giving up.

It’s never been fair to me – the way you started to treat me.

I’ve felt ignored, unloved, misunderstood for weeks

and yet I held on because you were all I knew for certain in my life

I wanted you and that’s all I knew.

Sitting on the concrete steps of a coffee shop past closing time

I am back to the beginning, starting over

in every aspect of my life.

Every corner – filled with uncertainty.

I don’t know what I want.

I haven’t known since I said goodbye to a man I swore I would marry.

I haven’t known since I got accepted into Grad School and then had the sinking feeling: it just wasn’t time.

I haven’t known since I put more weight into a new relationship than I did the other choices in my life.

I have truly made a mess of things,

I truly am a mess of things, feelings, thoughts, and the overwhelming sense

“Lost”

That….that is how I feel.

Perhaps – just perhaps – that isn’t a bad thing.

I don’t know why and it’s not a huge feeling – but I’m kind of excited. Excited to plan my own life.

Encompassed by the tall grass

and sounds of hidden creatures

its as if the horizon begins where your silhouette slips away

your breathing catches the edges of everything I see

I’m in awe of your vastness,

the grandeur of your genuine nature

the crickets sing to the rhythm of your heartbeat

as you melt seamlessly

with the world

I’ve become lost in.

muddy trails,

cracked skies,

the warmth of the sun

and your ever-reaching smile burning my cheeks,

fresh peaches tantalizing our lips

as I attempt to commit to memory

every second of this exploration,

this heightened sense of

honesty

honestly….

I’m falling in love with you.

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